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The zeroin writers thread - NSFW.

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  • #31
    Re: The zeroin writers thread - NSFW.

    Does someone like their cars? Casshern Always seems to me that someone who likes motors will go to great lengths to include and thoroughly describe cars in their writing.

    As for all the other stories, Dave and Cass yours were great, although I can't help thinking that (including the cars ), things are over-described. Abundant adjectives. I've always found that the most enjoyable pieces of writing are the ones that don't feed you everything on a plate, so to speak. Evelyn Waugh, for example, purposefully left out big descriptive paragraphs on the things that really matter, and it works well

    But what do I know? I haven't even finished my A-Level in English yet! Maybe I'll write something a bit later on, and you guys can go nuts on me with criticism. Lol.

    Was all very enjoyable to read though, and the storylines themselves seem intriguing.
    Formerly 'Waltzinblack' but thought it was time to incorporate my Team callsign into my name

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    • #32
      Re: The zeroin writers thread - NSFW.

      Originally posted by casshern View Post
      The repitition is to express that Frank is thinking carefully about damaging his lamb skin gloves as he clenches his fists lol, but criticism noted. The other ones are maybe too much - just because I ran out of brand names :p
      just don't know how to end it now - I'm tempted to conclude it very politely and let Frank be on his way..
      If it doesnt with Frank inexplicably taking his shirt off its not a transporter story :p

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      • #33
        Re: The zeroin writers thread - NSFW.

        Haha, yes. I'll take that into consideration. He also needs to do some impossible stunt with his car.

        Youtube Channel: www.youtube.com/jonintheshell

        Facebook Page: www.facebook.com/airsoftwargamefilms

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        • #34
          Re: The zeroin writers thread - NSFW.

          Lads, I'm moved by your stories! - *sniffs* However, it causes me eye-strain because the wall of text needs to be broken down into paragraphs, with spaces.

          I know its a bit poky, but Bolt - Made up curse words doesn't fit in well with the story, let alone sounding right, an example - 'Ah feth's sake! - Missed a once in a life time job interview!'

          It doesn't deliverer the same punch as to a actual swear, that immediate strike to the reader's head and 'feth' doesn't have the same power. Like a 9mm up against a .45, you knew the 9mm hit you, but no punch and stoppage, the .45 completes that, just like the swear. See the similarities? - Thats what you need to achieve. I'll come on to that in a minute.

          Understanding that particular word, Who is the audience? - Children? Teens? Thats a thing to keep in mind.
          However, if it is aimed at younger audiences I can understand that. But its a bit too graphic for children to be reading though.

          Dave's story is aimed particularly at adults or late teens, I just cannot determine who the story is meant to be addressed to. I love the plot and the main character telling the story, quite vivid.

          Other than that, I quite like the story and I'm looking forward to reading more! - You as a writer (everyone here) is the fisherman, you need to hook your readers and you have achieved that.

          To wrap up, I quite like your story Casshern, but like Waltz said - You don't have to beef the description of a single object, as the reader would have thought or whatever 'Get on with the story already!'
          I, myself don't really have much knowledge or interest of cars, but the information doesn't have to be specific.
          A suitcase, 1.4 kilograms, 42 x 31 centimeters
          Just say the size of a old schoolbook or something, anything that could relate to it's size and weight.

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          • #35
            Re: The zeroin writers thread - NSFW.

            Mine's for adults, aiming for thriller level. Ive got some pretty heavy drugs and violence in there.

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            • #36
              Re: The zeroin writers thread - NSFW.

              Hah, I knew. Anyway, I quite like the stories - keep up the good work!

              I wish I had the time, but I don't, to write my own would be an achievement, but such as life.

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              • #37
                Re: The zeroin writers thread - NSFW.

                Mines aimed at Teens / Students.. any points you can make on mine?
                sigpic

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                • #38
                  Re: The zeroin writers thread - NSFW.

                  did any one have any ideas? for mine.
                  sigpic

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                  • #39
                    Re: The zeroin writers thread - NSFW.

                    Mines not aimed at anyone in particular.

                    Frak I quite like as a curse word. Its 4 letters. It rolls off the tongue. Might as well just be saying F**k!

                    Feth, warp damned etc, theyre just paying service to the already established 40k universe.

                    Cheers though dude!
                    www.youtube.com/boltrig <-My Youtube Channel

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                    • #40
                      Re: The zeroin writers thread - NSFW.

                      It needs a bit more despripted words on the men, Savaged. Copy an example like Dave's, I've typed you an example. - Bald shaved, black leather jackets, black winter boots and washed out jeans. All with a red jumper, that tied in with the unforgivable pair of shades of the men wore of which they were glistering jet black with vengeance and despair.

                      Needs a bit more for that 'picture' you gather up of the characters. Cut down on the 'He' and 'Zack' because it kills the atmosphere as a reader, other than that its very good and I enjoyed reading it.


                      Bolt, I would suggest aiming it at the adults and young men, simply because of the description of suffering and whats going on.

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                      • #41
                        Re: The zeroin writers thread - NSFW.

                        Originally posted by TheLazymarksman View Post
                        I, myself don't really have much knowledge or interest of cars, but the information doesn't have to be specific.

                        A suitcase, 1.4 kilograms, 42 x 31 centimeters
                        Just say the size of a old schoolbook or something, anything that could relate to it's size and weight.
                        If you've watched The Transporter, you'll know that this is exactly how Frank asks for his packages to be described. In the first film he asks 'Dimensions and weight' twice. In the bar, when a customer tries to give a rough idea by spreading his hands, he says 'be precise,' and demands exact measurements. 'Transportation is a precise business.' Sorry, but 'an old schoolbook' has no place in my story.

                        I actually don't care a great deal about cars. Bikes are more my thing. But Frank does. In the first film he mentions that he has adjusted the suspension accordingly for his passengers, and he cleans it meticulously when he gets home. He also tells his passengers not to puke on the new upholstry. In the second film he expresses great anxiety when carjackers touch the interior, and in the third film he demands to drive his own car. Therefore, I can rightly imagine that Frank knows every detail of his new car inside out.

                        Don't get me wrong, I appreciate critism, but you're scrutiny is a little unfounded.

                        I know its a bit poky, but Bolt - Made up curse words doesn't fit in well with the story, let alone sounding right, an example - 'Ah feth's sake! - Missed a once in a life time job interview!'
                        Again, if you've done your homework, you'll know that these curse words are part of the 40k universe. Whilst Games Workshop don't mind encouraging imaginary violence admist their 2 inch models, they don't want rife swearing in a game that already gets skinny teenagers riled up and reaching for their inhalers. The swears are absolutely perfect in Dave's story, but they have no place in Warhammer. Just like Battlestar Galactica - they enjoy having their own cultural dialectic curse words; 'Fracking Toasters!' (cylons.)

                        Youtube Channel: www.youtube.com/jonintheshell

                        Facebook Page: www.facebook.com/airsoftwargamefilms

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                        • #42
                          Re: The zeroin writers thread - NSFW.

                          i write a bit. the only problem is i never finish anything. i have plenty of starts but no ends to my novels.

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                          • #43
                            Re: The zeroin writers thread - NSFW.

                            Same here mate. Well, actually - I wrote the end to the transporter, but not the middle. I won't post it, but it's interesting how I put it together. At the start of the film 'Collateral,' Tom Cruise collects his briefcase and hit list at an airport from none other than Jason Statham! The Transporter at work in another film! So I ended the story with him dropping it off to 'the grey haired movie star guy' and heading out to another job. Cool eh?

                            Youtube Channel: www.youtube.com/jonintheshell

                            Facebook Page: www.facebook.com/airsoftwargamefilms

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                            • #44
                              Re: The zeroin writers thread - NSFW.

                              thats pretty clever. was a nice cameo for Jas... yeah i either get bored, cant think of what to write or think of writing another story altoghether !

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                              • #45
                                Re: The zeroin writers thread - NSFW.

                                Originally posted by casshern View Post
                                Same here mate. Well, actually - I wrote the end to the transporter, but not the middle. I won't post it, but it's interesting how I put it together. At the start of the film 'Collateral,' Tom Cruise collects his briefcase and hit list at an airport from none other than Jason Statham! The Transporter at work in another film! So I ended the story with him dropping it off to 'the grey haired movie star guy' and heading out to another job. Cool eh?
                                I cannot BELIEVE I didnt get that from watching it, Collateral is one of my favourite films!

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